I got chris browned last night
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
