Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
