yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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