My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
