There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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