It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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