I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
