Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
