I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
