I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
