dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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