What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
