I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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