I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
