In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
