Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
