I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
