No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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