please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
