Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
