Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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