when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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