i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
