i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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