Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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