I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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