You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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