He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
