I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
