I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
