It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
