just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
