i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want her autograph on my taint
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
