Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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