The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
