did you get engaged???
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
