Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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