Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
FUCK WHALES
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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