I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
