there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
