Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
