Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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