my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
