I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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