It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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