glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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