My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
