Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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