p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
