I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
