The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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