The maid of honor just puked.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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