tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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